Sunday, May 8, 2011

No, I Don't Want To See Thor - An African Cats Review

Two nights ago, Marvel's Thor debuted in theaters.  If you know anything about me, you know this movie has my name written all over it.  Marvel involvement...check.  Doesn't star Ben Affleck or Eric Bana...check.  3D availability (aka the studio has faith in it)...check.  Superhero theme...check.  Hot Viking looking God of Thunder...check.  Elisabeth Shue as a gutsy babysitter taking on the big city and singing the blues...okay, so maybe not everything, but you get my point.  This movie probably won't change my life, but we're a potential match, and once in a while I want to watch something that doesn't make me think.  So, thinking my eight year old would appreciate the age inappropriate flick, I excitedly announced, "Get dressed, we're going to see Thor." But alas, my hypothesis was lacking.  Instead of rushing to get dressed so we could leave, the offspring declared that he preferred to watch something scientific in nature.  My weak "Thunder's scientific or something" argument didn't help my case.  "Let's go watch African Cats!" he said.  And so we did.

African Cats follows 2 lion prides and a family of cheetahs around the Savanna in Kenya.  It's an endearing tale of blah, blah, blah.  If you want to learn about the movie, feel free to tweet the offspring, @ThingsMikeySays.  He probably memorized the whole thing.  Moi, I get lost in narration, but that doesn't stop me from being observant.  So I'd like share with you, all three of you, possibly 4 (shoutout to Stephanie!), what I learned from African Cats:  

  • Lion is king.
  • Lions have elbow hair.
  • Flies and gnats are totally annoying.
  • Things don't bleed much in the Disney wilderness. 
  • The right set of drums can really build up tension in situations where there may not be any.
  • There's no greater love than that between a mother and her cubs.
  • Keep your cubs close and your enemies as far as feliny possible.
  • Get a pet elephant if you want to live. 
  • DON'T mess with the Cheetah Brothers, unless your elephant is near. 
  • If confronted by a crocodile, let your husband take care of it.
  • Not all crocodiles make ticking sounds. 
  • It's okay to bite your children when they refuse to listen.
  • There's a perfectly good reason turtles have shells; your children. 
  • Feline dentistry is not a common practice in the Savanna wilderness.
  • Rain doesn't help you sleep better when your home is in the center of a tall-grass field.
  • Independent lionesses don't need no stinking pride leader.
  • Stockholm syndrome is not uncommon in the animal kingdom.  (Come on lionesses!  Whatever happened to not needing no stinking pride leader?)
  • Kittus and Lucky are not the only droolers of their kind.
  • There is some major Lion King/Mexican Telenovela style DRUHRRAMA happening in the animal kingdom. 
  • Never get fresh with an ostrich. 
  • Even little dogs bite back.
  • Hyena's are bad...they are very, very bad.
  • Children like it when small things survive, as proven by the many "YESses!" and fists thrown in the air. 
  • If it's good enough for John Locke, it's good enough for an aging lioness.  #warhogs
  • If a new king takes over the pride, then your males will be booted to the other side of the river #RomanGrantstyle.
  • If you're happy to see someone, it's okay to jump on them #tiggerstyle.  After all, it's what tiggers do best.
  • If you're hanging with a herd of prey and suspect you yourself may be prey, BE THE in the actual center; not of attention.
So there you have it folks!  The movie kept me and all the miniature humans entertained at all times, had some astounding backgrounds (wow Kenya!) and, as you can see, it was quite educational. Go see it!  =^_^=